i realy havent made any reolutions maybe to write more i guess its been a long time since ive written anything here i started a home based business that kind of monopolizes my spare time....so im a ghost but im still here.

was that supposed to hurt?
was it accidental
the venom dripping from your voice
the fire in your eyes
were you intense in pain?
is there really any difference
and are you proud
leaving me ashamed
was this meant to kill?
or just stun
was it something left undone?
did you tie up these loose ends for me or you?
i realise the pain i caused
i understand you hate me
my only one and only regret
is you drew your weapon faster

when i stop
you fade away
too far for me to see
when i move you follow me
lurking in the shadows
of a heart
to many times betrayed
of a soul so many times set upon
by the fangs and claws of what
you realy are
in my winter
blizzard
coloured dreams
you are fire
burning through all the bullshit that im swimming through
blue eyed and violet wrath
red blooded aftermath
the bruises you leave
leave me wanting
to stop
and watch you fade away

this is not a poemt
its an observation
ive been broken
since i named my self
destruction
ive been lost
since we found each other again
ive been troubled
since i stopped dancing
with trouble
what is this
when did that
why is this
i dontknow
im on my knees
sucking satan's cock
getting fucked
by my mistakes
pushed down
into the mud and muck
by the boots of a world
i helped create
crying like an infant
crumbling like an ancient
where is the ocean
where is my saviour
not in the mirror
anymore

did you know that ive been here
waiting in the aftermath
for the smoke to roll on by
day after day and still its....
cloudy as a mother fucker
something left out in the rain
disolving into paperbits
confetti hearts
skin to skin and i dont doubt
when youre inside me i know the truth
but when youre not

oh and he questions
every phonecall every errand
eversince you walked out
ever sinceyou lied to me
yes youre home now
and i believe i have forgiven...
at least i am beggining

the forgiving

but it comes slow
too tired to talk
unprepared
to listen you
melt into the shadows
giving birth to
silence
with your hand in my hand
we are strong again...
but when youre not here...
how do ibecome so weak
baby lets be honest
again for a little while
tell me why youre really here
tell me why youre back again
keep telling me
please keep telling me....

yes my love
i believe ill be alright

hello
its only me again
you dont have to answer
just be aware
what youve done
what youre doing
is it what you
always were afraid youde do
what youve become
so much less than glamorous
so much less impressive
be care full what
youre wishing for
youre gonna get it in the end.

resurrection comes
uncertain
certainly
resurfacing
into not knowing
returning
to
confusion
confuses even
the ones
who were supposed to know better.
where were you
where was I
am I still
what you need
me to be
even here
even now
in all this smoke
the dust settles
unsettling
where
are we
golden one
do we still see
eyes to eye
are you still the one who
loves me best of all?
am I still your everything?
resending
resounding
thunder in my ears
lightning in my blood
aching in my heart a storm's
been brewing
longing to crash forth
the ecstasy
of yes or no
and the regret of
wonder

so im back
back from the dead
reassembled
parts stitched back together
haphazard
in my
rebirth
into blood and darkness
wheres the light
you promised?
dusty heart beats
out of sync
loosing the rythm
why did you bring me back
face scarred
soul lost
zombie
grand zombie
Damballah's laughing
why did you do this thing
bring me back
to make me this
you should have left me dead

so ...im not sure if my therapist would be pround amused or ashamed by my answer to this since i have actualy had to become basicaly 3 people to handle all my bull shit...there's wytchbear the artist/poet...hi....theres wonder bear my online super hero alter ego ...hey how r ya and theres D'eva Destruction my drag persona now performing weekly in providence at the Dark Lady...howdy y'all.....so there ya go we're all kinda witchy all kinda gothy and all kinds of crazy...insanity its whats for dinner.

sometimes i feel this
a little too much
sometimes i think
i dont feel enough
today i feel like i need to be
2 people
to handle all my bullshit
and tommorow ill sing
but tonight ill cry
yesterday i was saying goodbye
to you again
again again and again
how is that we
break apart so easily
over and over again
at the speed of light
devil
demon
reason for the seething
i give you far too much credit
where its not deserved
should be kept reserved
for myself

your touch
in as much as it matters
was the same
as the first time
your kisses drew blood
from my heart
and my heart breaks
and my heart broke down
for a moment wrapped in pleasure
wrapped in pain
to feel you hard against me once again
almost like
nothing ever changed at all
and this is no small
wonder
to me ...
and these windows
these eyes to the soul
burn through me make me feel
somehow
unchanged...
and i would have
and you could have
it would have been so easy
to return.....
but this lessons learned
you showed mercy
you let me go
and so
i ran
all the way back home

i was tired
i was fadeing quickly
you were burning
all that intensity
when you touched me
it hurt so badly
i was falling
for
a memory

in your silence
you speak volumes
and you actions
keep us undone
the simplicity
of destroying me

this is madness
this is insanity
we are reckless
we are .....
infam

then i was gone
i vanished
disolved dissapeared
missing....
and i was calling
searching
for something
a little more
like myself
i needed help
you were
never gonna hear me
so
now that im gone
where the cold winds blow
do you realize...
i was never really there at all

Aparrently ive managed to piss off the whole world......damn im good

So i think this is going to be the cover of
the book of poetry im releasing this spring
called Blue Tuesday...what do you think?

mama lizbethe dupree taught me to cook when i moved to new orleans with no money no job and no where to live...i met her like 20 mins after i got there she looked at me and said child youre late i was expecting u yesterday....a week later i had a job in her shop lived in a room in her house...one day she sais i know your an artist but ima teach y'all t' cook that way you will always have a job.....thanks mama lizbeth...rest in peace

what can i say this time?
if theres anything left to say
somethings ending
somethings wrong
and it always goes this way
i dont have time to hold your hand
or soothe your fragile soul
if you cant take the truths i tell
maybe you should go
i wont cover this in candy for you
no sugar for the pain
i cant keep silent to make you feel
better about me again
so go on fly on little wings
somewhere near the sun
youre put off by my honesty
and youre not the only one
but i wont smile and tell you
only what you want to hear
truth and kindness are not the same
and you dont do well with that i fear
so somethings ending
somethings wrong
something got left out in the rain
somethings hanging by a thread
and nothing is the same

fire stops burning
reaching
crawling
through the flames
to touch
to remember what
we have both
have forgotten
the water stops freezing
floating drowning
im swimming back to see
you
but i refuse to need
you
ever again
im standing on my own 2
for now
dont mock me
dont say ciao bello
dont call me beautifull
not now
that i am this
this.....
monster.
lightning dosnt strike
the hearts dont beat
as we release
what we were
once
before i tasted my own blood
before i bled for your love
before i learned that
dead men dont stay dead...
and how in the end
love
conquours nothing